Turning a Corner

On Sunday, as my chemo pump was detached and the intravenous nausea meds were wearing off, I hit my low point. I felt as though aliens had snatched my body and not one single solitary type of food or drink sounded palatable. It was then that the anxiety set in. How long would I feel like this? Could it possibly get any worse? How could I be a good mom, wife, friend, and co-worker when I felt this awful? Again, I started to panic. I cried on Brian. I cried on my parents. I cried alone.

My mom, dad, and Brian reassured me that it was ok to meltdown and feel angry. My mom (also a cancer survivor) reminded me that it was completely warranted for me to use the F-bomb as much as I wanted. But they also reminded me to take a deep breath and that things would get better. Because my mom had been through this before, I did my best to trust her.. For the rest of the day, I worked with the nursing team to dial in my anti-nausea meds and distracted myself with HGTV and movies with my boys.

When Monday came along, the sun was shining, I was able to keep down an Ensure for breakfast, and things seemed a bit less dim. I listened to my body and mostly rested so that I could have some quality time with the boys when the got home from school and work. And then came Tuesday… I only had to take one dose of anti-nausea medication and was able to do work from my new home office (my bed). Texts, cards, fuzzy socks, flowers, prayer shawls, and other thoughtful gifts continued to arrive as if to say, “You can do this. We are with you.” When today rolled around, my appetite was starting to return, and I felt like my old self. I was back to the office by the afternoon, and it was so good to see my co-workers and get back to “real life”.

With one round of chemo down and time to see the side effects through, I know now I can do this and what I can do to help manage through it. I would be lying if I said that 7 more rounds sounds a little daunting, but just going to take it one at a time. I was reminded by someone sharing a similar health struggle that four months will be over before I know it. And although I had a few dark moments this week, I was also reminded that cancer CANNOT take away my spirit and my essence (or as my old boss coined it my “Mary-ness”). That is here to stay.

XO- Mary